Title: The Journey

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Author: Qzeebrella
Archive: sure, if there is a related website to this lj
Rating: pg-13
Pairing: Ahmed/Herger
Summary: Ahmed starts off on a long journey.
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to others. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: written in poem format, as if Ahmed was telling the tale.
***

The dessert nights were cooling
The winds picking up
A slight chill in the air
An emptiness in my heart
That I found difficult to explain


I had achieved my dreams of fame
My poetry well known and lauded
Throughout the land I called home
And even the slightly cooler heat
Of the winter sun
Should have brought warmth to my heart
Shed light into my heart
And yet it did not


My life was full of riches
I had achieved so much
And yet my soul was parched
My life barren of joy
I could not help but yearn
Could not help but desperately long
For something more


I thirsted for something I could not name
I hungered for something
And yet did not know for what
It was as if I had lost something
As if I had let something
Slip from my hands
Oh so carelessly
Something infinitely precious
And yet what that may be
Was unknown to my conscious mind


I attempted to ignore
The immense feeling of loss
For which there was no explanation
I immersed myself in my poetry
I clung stubbornly to the scrolls
Available to me in the library
Attempting to bury my yearning
Through obsessive study and writing


It did not work
For with every quiet moment
The yearning would sweep over me
As relentlessly as a sandstorm
Overwhelming me with its strength
Burying me within its depths
Suffocating me with its force


And no matter what I did
I could not fight it
I could not find my way
Out from under it
I was consumed by it
By this yearning for something
Unnameable and inexplicable


One day, as winter crept closer
I stood to face it
I examined my heart
To find the source of longing
To try to determine
Just why it was
I yearned


I examined my life
My thoughts, my heart, and my soul
I stared into myself
And was surprised by what I saw
Blue eyes the colour of the sky
Full of the love of life
Full of inner joy
Smiling at me
Causing my heart to leap with joy


I saw golden hair so wild and untamed
Whirling about in the wind
An energy of spirit
An irrepressible personality
Shining from within
Its light and warmth
More powerful than the dessert sun
The source of the inexplicable yearning
The cause of my discontent
Herger


I had somehow left my heart behind
Somehow had given my love
To someone unknowingly
And I could not help but long
To return to him who held my heart
To seek out he who ensnared my soul
To go back to the one
Who haunted my every thought
And see if it were possible
He felt the same
Or whether he saw me only as
“Little brother.”


Did he still think of me?
Did he even remember the man
He stubbornly called Ibn
Or had he forgotten me?
Did he love me
As one man can love another
Or had he found love
With a lady of the north?
Was he still free to choose
Or had he given himself
In handfast to another?


I needed to know
I longed to know
With all of my heart
Once I had faced the source
Of my longing
I could not live without knowing
Whether Herger wanted to be mine
As I was already his


And yet, I feared finding out
I feared learning the truth
So I fought the yearning
I fought the longing
To learn the truth of his feelings
And I caved into the fear
I stayed within the confines
Of the palace of the caliph
And I would have remained there
If Fate or Allah had not intervened


Soon after my realization
Of the source of my longing
A delegation arrived
Of men from the north
Having journeyed far
On a quest of honour
Of obligation
Of true courage
A quest on behalf of Herger


They had journeyed many days
Over a turbulent sea
And unforgiving dessert
All for Herger
A man close to their hearts
For all that he was
For the man of honour
For the warrior strong
For the leader he had become



For the man with the heart
As big as the sea
As warm as the dessert sun
As welcoming as an oasis
In the middle of a dessert
For the man whose spirit
Whose great and generous heart
Embraced even the stranger in his midst
Whose very being was as refreshing
As clear, cool water
Whose irrepressible spirit
His out stretched hand of friendship
Could quench the deepest thirst
For companionship.


Only for such a man would they journey
Only for such a man
Would they risk everything
And Herger was such a man
They had journeyed for him
For he was unable to travel himself
Having been grievously injured
In a battle prolonged
In defence of the town
He had made his home
Of which he was now leader


And he was beloved by his people
For he put them first
Without thought
Without ulterior motive
And for this
Because of this
He was loved
And his men
Had journeyed on his behalf


For he was calling out for Ibn
He was calling for “Little brother”
In his fevered dreams
In the nightmares he had suffered
After his grievous injury
And, according to his men
He reached out with his hand
As he dreamed
As if seeking help
As if needing comfort and reassurance


And a sliver of hope
Blossomed in my heart
Upon hearing what his men said
Then they told us other things
Of how Herger had languished
In pain and delirious dreams
Of how Herger had begun to weaken
Had seemed to have given up
Until…


Until his men had made him promise
Promise to fight for life
Promise to hold onto hope
In return for them coming to me
To ask me to return
To go back to the north land
And stay by his side
For as long as he needed me
As long as it took
For him to recover
For him to become as full of life
As full of hope
As energetic and full of light
Of joyous irrepressible being
As he had before his injury


His men begged me to go with them
But they did not need to
For hearing that Herger needed me
That the north man
With the heart as big as the sea
Had asked for me to return
Was more than enough
For me to want to journey
For me to want to return with them


No matter what hazards I might face
No matter how powerful the fear I had
That all Herger wanted
Was a little brother
The memory of Ibn, his friend
And not me
The me who wanted him
More than anything
The me who yearned
With all that I was
To be his
To belong to him
In the way
Only one who was handfasted
Could belong to him


However, for him I would face my fear
For him I would travel the earth
Would brave the roughest sea
For I loved him
In the way one man could another
In the way one heart
Could love another
One soul could belong to another
In the way one person
Could love another
For as long as he lived


For that purpose I settled my affairs
I packed up what belongings
I wanted to keep
Only those things most precious to me
And I left with Herger’s men
I journeyed with them
Leaving the land in which I was born
And headed towards an uncertain future
Headed towards the man I cared for
Leaving only my poems
And my tale of Buliwyf
My stories of the north land
And memories of what was once my home
Behind.

I journeyed
Willingly joined the men
Who had risked everything to find me
Just because Herger had asked for me
We travelled along the silk road
From the palace of the caliph
To Constantinople herself
Through biting dessert winds
Over hot burning sand
Through windstorms and dangerous lands
Over hills and through valleys
As quickly as we could


We faced bandits and vagabonds
Encountered Bedouins, foreigners and friends
Finally reaching Constantinople
Finally completing the first step
Of our journey
On behalf of Herger
Whom we all loved
Though in different ways


In that great city
That many cultures call home
We restocked our supplies
And I let a few dozen copies
Of my ode to Buliwyf
Though most there used a corrupted name
For this warrior strong
Beowulf, but that was okay
For it was his tale that was important
Not the correct spelling of his name


And once we were ready again
Once we had restocked our supplies
We left the great city
We set off on the next step
Toward my future
Toward the man who held my heart
In the very palm of his hand


Eventually through lands perilous
And hazards many
After facing dangers unimaginable
And encountering people strange to us
After several battles
And ever increasing cold weather
We finally reached the port
In which rested the ship
That belonged to Herger’s men


There waited others
Others devoted to Herger
Other men of Herger’s
Who had stayed with the ship
To protect it and keep it safe
To keep it ever ready
For the return journey
We boarded the ship
And set sail for the north
All upon the ship as determined as I
To reach the man we all loved


Of the journey upon the sea
I would rather not speak
Unfortunately I must
For it prepared me in a way
That is hard to describe
For my meeting with Herger later


The ocean was turbulent
The waves huge and relentless
As storm clouds pursued us
From one port to another
Every day there seemed to be
A lightening strike or two
All too close for comfort
The ship was tossed upon the waves
And even the hardiest sailor
Was had put on to cope
With the weather and the waves


I was sick every day
And even a few of Herger’s men
Lost their lunches over the rail
It was as if the very sea
Was lashing out at us
In unreasonable anger
That the sea was doing its best
To get us to give up
That in its rage
It was bound and determined
To hurt us in whatever way it could


But we did not give up
I did not give up
Nor did I regret
Setting out upon the journey
For I knew I had no choice
Given how much I loved Herger
How much I needed him
Given how I belonged to him
Heart and soul
Forever


After what seemed like an eternity
Upon the relentless sea
We reached the port
Closest to the town
In which Herger lived
And was waiting
I fled the ship
And nearly kissed the ground
So thankful to have arrived
Safely and mostly whole


After unloading the few possessions
I had brought with me
We set of toward the town
My heart full of hope
Full of anticipation
So eager I was to see Herger
The man with golden hair
And golden heart
The man with happy, glowing eyes
And shining soul
I longed to see this man
With every fibre of my being


And though it was a short journey
Of less than a day
It seemed an eternity
For every beat of my heart
Was full of yearning
For him
Every beat of my heart
Was loud in my ears
With how full each beat was
Of love and hope
Hope that Herger was waiting
For me to arrive
For Herger to feel for me
What I felt for him


We arrived at the town
At long last
And were greeted by the women
The children, the youths,
The farmers and tradesmen
All talking at once
All anxious to pass on the news
That Herger was not doing well
That their beloved leader
Was lashing out at his people
In anger
And possibly out of frustration


Due to lingering bad health
And the limitations he faced
As a result of his injury
And I was beginning to worry
To feel trepidatious
For what I would find
Once I reached Herger’s side
Partly due to the fact
None of his men
Had actually said what the injury was
Had only said it was grievous
And that could mean anything


Just how badly was Herger injured?
Could I face him now?
Accept him regardless of whatever scars
Or limitations he might now have
Could I face him now?
And accept the changes in him
Cope with his anger and rage
Help him deal with his frustration
Could I face him?
And accept him for who he was now
Or would I reject him?
Only because of the injuries
He had suffered
Would I reject him?
Due to whatever his condition now
As a result of the grievous injury


Or would I be brave enough
Courageous enough to face him?
Strong enough to help him
On his journey toward health
Toward becoming more like himself
Becoming more like the man
I had left behind
The man full of life and energy
Full of courage and honour
The man with a joyous spirit
That drew others to him
The man who this town loved
And would do anything for
Because he was their leader
And their friend
Who they wanted the best for
I hoped I had the courage
To do all that was needed
To help Herger recover
To help him through this time
To be there for him now
As he needed me to be there
And I was determined
To stay at his side
Regardless of what he might do
To drive me away


I was determined to out stubborn him
To stand firm in the face of his anger
To remain calm when he lashed out
To prod and urge and implore him
To harness his own stubbornness
To help him on the path towards healing
I gathered my courage
And followed someone to Herger’s house


I stepped in
With my heart in my throat
And clammy hands
Due to the sudden fear
That swept through me
As I was about to face
Him whom I loved


I stepped in
And there he was
On a barely raised platform
Pretending to be a bed
There he was
Lying ever so still
Face twisted in pain
Or possibly frustration
Scars upon his face
Upon his upper body
Bare of any clothing
One leg a kilter
Bent at the knee and twitching
The other…
The other mangled
Almost beyond recognition


And yet the mangled leg
The scarred body
Was not what disturbed me
It was the mangled spirit
Within the body
It was the absence of his smile
The missing greeting
The lack of warm welcome
The feeling that the joy
The immense wonder of his spirit
Was now missing
That is what disturbed me
And made me hesitate
Upon the threshold


I took a deep breath
And fortified myself
For the confrontation
I was sure would follow
I stepped over the threshold
Strode confidently towards him
As if I had been away
For mere days
Instead of years

“You sent your men for me
Here I am
To stay as long as you need me
You stubborn north man.”


“And what if I say
I don’t want you near
That no matter what the men
Who brought you here said
I do not need you.”


“I will stay anyway
Until you drag your sorry ass
Out of that bed
And take your place
Among the living
Leading these townspeople
As you once did
And will again.”


“No, I will not
I am no longer fit
To lead these people
I’m a cripple.”


“And a good man
No matter what else you may be
You are a good man
Worthy of the title of leader
For the devotion you have inspired
Within the hearts of these people
They need you, Herger
They want you as their leader
And only you
Because they know as I do
That you are a good man
With a good heart
Who loves them
And wants only the best
For them and this town.”


Upon hearing those words
He snorted with disbelief
And turned toward the wall
And ignored all my attempts
To reach him through words
I did not give up though
My innate ability to persevere
Coming to my rescue
Allowing me to stay
And keep trying


Day after day I went to his side
And kept pushing him
Kept urging him to respond to me
The nights grew longer
And he withdrew into himself
Returning my concern
With studied indifference
And yet I knew there was still
A glimmer of hope


The glimmer of hope there
In the moments he turned toward me
And spat at me in anger
There it was
In the way he threw things
At me and others
Acting out on the rage he felt
There it was
Every time he called out Ibn
And reached out to me
There it was
In the way he always reacted to me


And as the days passed
Things slowly improved
He began to turn to me
Instead of turning away
And there were moments
The light in his eyes returned
When his joyous spirit resurfaced
And a hint of his irrepressible soul
Would peak through
When he was himself again
And the darkness that ensnared him
Kept him confined to his bed
Would lift and allow him
To make painstaking progress


He began to leave his bed
For short periods at a time
Only when I was with him
To support him with one arm
Unable to walk upon
The mangled leg without help
And with every time
He left his bed
His spirit improved
He began to smile again
To greet others cordially
To reach out to his people
And they reached back
With welcome in their eyes


And as he slowly healed
In spirit if not in body
He began to return
To being more like the man he was
The last time I saw him
Back when we fought at Buliwyf’s side
He began to be more like
The man I had fallen in love with
And yet was still different
Changed by the passage of time
And the injuries he had suffered
The injuries that had left him
With numerous scars
And always mangled leg
That would hamper his movements
The rest of his life
But could not hamper
His incredible spirit
For it was a living, breathing thing
That was incapable
Of being restrained for long


And as he recovered
A bit more each day
I began to get to know
The man he was now
Still Herger the joyous
But a Herger tempered by time
A Herger with a bit more wisdom
A bit more patience
A bit more understanding
A bit more compassion for others
A bit more of everything
A good leader should have


And as he healed
As I walked by his side
He began to lead his people again
Guiding and advising them
Listening to their concerns
And helping them become stronger
As he became stronger
Through fostering a spirit of cooperation
And a love of community


And as he healed
He began to turn toward me
More and more he turned to me
And I to him
We began to draw closer
To become even better friends
And I fell in love again
This time with the man he was now
The man he had become
As a result of adversity


And though he was different now
Than he once was
He was still Herger the joyous
A man of honour
And inner strength
A man others were drawn to
Because of his glowing soul
A man I was glad to know
He was still Herger
And though we spent every day
And nearly every waking moment
Together in each other’s company
I still did not know
If he saw me only as little brother
Or saw me as more

I still did not know
If I was more than just a companion
More than a friend to him
Did he love me?
Could he love me?
As one man can love another
Or was I only a little brother to him
I could not tell
Just through observation
For he laughed and kidded with me
As he might with a brother
He teased and tormented me
Much like one brother does to another

And yet…
He greeted me with enthusiastic smiles
That lit up his face
His eyes glowing with happiness
Upon seeing me
And that gave me hope
In spite of the fact
The possibility that the happiness came
Not from a love of me as a man
But from seeing a friend
And nothing more


The knowledge grew within me
That if I truly wanted to know
Just what it was Herger felt for me
That I would have to ask
And as the knowledge grew
So did the need
The unbearable need to know
Coupled with a growing need
To be a part of his life
As his handfast mate
And not just as a friend


Though if he could only see me as friend
And nothing more
I could learn to accept it
As long as I could
Still be part of his life
And Herger, with his generous spirit
His welcoming heart
Would not turn me away
Just because I loved him
More than I should
More than was proper


So I gathered my courage
I prayed to Allah for assistance
I took a deep breath
And I approached him
This north man whom I loved
And would always belong to
And had left almost everything behind for
I approached him
Scared and excited
Anxious and hopeful
Determined and full of inexplicable joy
At finally having the courage
To approach him so


I found him surrounded
By laughing children
Playing with them
And teaching them at the same time
I waited for him
Not wanting to interrupt
This moment of happiness
Of joy he had found
At playing with the children


After some time
The children ran off
And I finally had a moment
With Herger alone
I stepped up to him
Swallowed my residual fear
And spoke
“Herger, I need to talk with you
Need to tell you something.”


“You’re returning home
Now that I’m up and about.”


“No! I am home
I mean
Herger, I need to know
Am I only a little brother to you
Am I only a friend
Or am I more?”


“Why do you ask?”
He said and looked cautiously hopeful


“Because you are important to me
You have a place in my heart
A part of my soul is yours
I love you
More than I probably should
More than is proper
In the way a man might
For one he wishes to belong to
In handfast
For as long as he should live.”


He stood there
For what seemed an eternity
As my heart beat thundered in my chest
Oh so painfully
I began to fear
Fear that I had disgusted him
That I had lost his friendship
That I had lost whatever respect
He may have had for me
And then he spoke


“Oh little brother
Ibn, my friend
I’ve longed for this day
More than you could know
For nearly as long
As I have known you
You are my heart
You are my love
And now
Now you will finally be mine.”


“Only if you should want to risk
Handfasting yourself to me
As I can accept nothing less
Should you want me in your bed.”


“Of course I do
But why do you believe
That there is a risk?”
Herger asked


“We are both men
And for two men to handfast
May be unseemly
To your people
And they may shun us
For what we want to be
To each other.”


“You have strange worries little brother
My people will not shun us
Love is love is love to them
And as long as we are happy
As long as we continue
To do our best
To contribute to this town
To support and defend the people
Whom we both love
They will accept us
And be thrilled for us
Thrilled that we have found love
In and through each other.”


“You are sure of this?”
I ask, just for my own
Peace of mind


“As sure as I am
That Buliwyf was a hero
That the sky is blue
That the gods exist
I am sure
You are the best thing
To ever happen to me
Even when you are being
As highly irritating
As you are now.”


With those words
And the look in his eyes
Shining at me with love
He reached out to me
Joined his hands with mine
Pulled me towards him
And kissed me
For the first time
But not the last


That first kiss
Tasted of sunshine and hope
And lit me up inside
Filled me with joy
That first kiss
Awakened passion in me
A growing need for more
More kisses
More of Herger’s love


I poured myself into that kiss
Shared my love for him
With him
And gladly welcomed him
Into my heart
Gladly allowed him to deepen it
Until our tongues were as entangled
As our souls were
As our lives would hopefully become


And at first I did not notice
That the children had returned
That we now had an audience
But eventually I noticed
But only because Herger pulled away


“Go tell your mothers
There will be a handfasting tonight
I’m not going to let
This man get away.”
The children ran away
Upon hearing Herger’s words
And I gaped at him
Not sure if I had truly heard
What he really said

“What?” I asked.


“We’re getting handfasted tonight.”
He said.

“So soon?”


“I am not letting you get away.
You will be mine
From tonight on
In all the ways that count.”
Herger vowed
The look in his eyes intent
And all I could do
Was grin and not
For I was already his
And had been for some time


It seemed to take forever for night to arrive
And yet, at the same time
It seemed to arrive quickly
It seemed as if
Just one beat of my heart passed
Between his vow to make me his
And the vows we shared that night
In front of the town elders
In the midst of the towns people
Vows that we spoke
With shaky voices
Me trembling in anticipation
Him looking so sure of himself


Vows so very different
From the ones I was used to
In my homeland
The ones my people used
When giving themselves in marriage
And yet vows that were
At the very heart of them
The same as any other vows
I had heard spoken
When two people promised
To belong to each other
And only each other
For as long as they lived


We promised each other fidelity
Companionship and life long support
We promised each other love
Through sickness and health
Through good times and bad
And we promised each other
So much more
And throughout the handfasting
He looked at me
With love in his eyes
With a look of adoration
And of earnestness
He meant every word
Of his vow to me then
And I knew he would always
And forever keep his promise
Just as I would keep mine


An elder tied our hands together
With a string
And Herger pulled me to him
And we kissed
And all those gathered cheered
And I was full of joy
And Herger laughed
Head tilting back
A look of triumph on his face
The light within him
Shining for all to see
Dancing with the light of the stars
Smiling down upon us
As with approval


And though I had been told
That the sort of love Herger and I shared
Was forbidden by Allah
I dared to believe he approved
For our love was true
Lasting and strong
And how could my God, Allah not be happy
Upon seeing such love?


Herger kissed me again
And pulled me toward his home
So intently eager on getting me there
And I laughed
At how eager he was
I laughed though I was nervous
Never having been with a man before
Yet I knew
Herger would make it good
That no matter what we did together
It would be exciting
And wonderful and joyous
For we would be doing it
With love, out of love
For the sake of love
And out of commitment
To each other.


I knew it would be good
For we would soon belong to each other
In a different, more glorious way
Than we had in the past
And I was right
To an extent


It was good
It was more than good
It was sublime
Transcendent
Better than anything I could have imagined
More wonderful than anything
I had experienced to that point


He pulled me to his bed
He kissed me enthusiastically
We tore at each others clothes
Rolled around on the bed
Laughing and joyous
Kissing through our laughter
Touching each other with love
Our passion for each other growing
With every kiss
With every touch


He was glorious
The way he made it so effortless
The way he made it so joyful
The way he made me feel
Beautiful and powerful
Cherished and safe
The way he made me feel
As if this was the way
It should always be
So natural and wonderful
So full of joy


He was so glorious
Gorgeous and irresistible
And I could not get enough
Of his kisses
Of his touches
Of the way he looked at me
Of his body now bare to my view
As bare as the day he was born
Allowing me to look my fill


I touched each of his scars
I kissed them and caressed them
I shared my love for him
Though my every touch
Of fingers and lips
And he shared his love for me
In everything he did that night


It was perfect
And sticky
And sweaty
And joyous
For we had love for each other
We had found each other
After a long, hazardous journey
After many years of longing
We had found each other again
And we rejoiced


We rejoiced
In the wonder of belonging
Him to me
Me to him
For all of our lives
We would rejoice
At the wonder
The privilege
The honour
Of belonging to each other

We would rejoice
At the wonder
Of finding such love
Of sharing such a love
And being each others love


And as we rejoiced
We laughed together
So happy we were
Me, Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan
And Herger the joyous
One forever more
Through our love for each other
And this land we called home.